Summer thoughts.

Hey hey, internet! It’s July 5th already. I thought I’d do a quick check-in. The kids are all busy doing summertime things – playing softball and Roblox, heading to the neighborhood pool as much as possible, staying up late binge-watching shows on Netflix, and sleeping in. It’s hot out, and the days are boring, and that’s exactly how summer should be. Whenever I feel guilty about my kids not reading enough, I think back to the school year, when my 6th grader had 2+ hours of homework every single night, on top of practicing her instrument and going to practice for whatever sport she was playing at the time. I think back to my 4th graders, working so hard to read the required 40 books, and stressing out about not getting there. I think about my son, who had the worst year in the history of middle school, which is a whole story in itself. Fingers crossed that next year, he finds his way. This year just about did both of us in. For right now, though – it’s summer! A time of weekday sleepovers with friends! Cereal for dinner! Playing outside until it’s dark. Glorious, restorative summer.

The kids have been relaxing and having a chill summer, and I’ve been making a concentrated effort to get my own head together. I tend to gravitate toward anxiety, which can be a big fat drag, although I know so many of you deal with anxiety and depression as well. It ain’t easy, this whole wife and mother gig. As I go through my Instagram feed, I see so many wonderful people who I KNOW are struggling with life – dealing with depression, bad marriages, family issues, kids with problems. I see them throwing themselves into creating magic in the midst of their chaos, crafting gorgeous dinners, beautifully decorated rooms, and super cool works of art. All of it picture perfect, magazine quality. If you didn’t know the real story behind some of these folks, you’d never dream that they’re hurting – that they’re struggling! I envy those people who take their pain and channel it into MAKING SHIT HAPPEN. Because it doesn’t work that way for me. When I feel bad, I don’t make things. I don’t cook things. I don’t sew, I don’t draw, I don’t paint. Whatever I try to make always comes out stupid, and it just makes me feel a hundred times worse. The only thing that makes me feel better is hiding out in my house and being close to my family. So that’s what I do.

Fingers crossed that the bumps in this road smooth out a little bit – I feel certain that I still have awesomeness in me, biding its time, waiting for a chance to jump out and startle everyone.